What the Roller Derby?

Before I begin this epic post it is known that credit must be given.  I enjoy following the Club Trillion blog you see on the right side of my page.  It is awesome and worth the read if you are bored at work, like to giggle, or have ever rode the pine in any sport you have played.  So credit goes to Mark 'the Shark' Titus for getting me, Zac, Zac's brother Jake, and Zac's mom to a roller derby bout.  He blogged about his experience about a roller derby bout in Tuscon, AZ and I loved it so much that A- It got me and the above mentioned to go to a bout in Phoenix and B-I must blog my roller derby experience. (If you want to read 'the Sharks' experience, go to his blog and look for the post entitled High Rollers.....you will not be disappointed.)

After reading the Sharks post I had an image of what roller derby was and what to expect.  We do things a little different here in Phoenix so it was a very different experience than the Sharks....still wonderful though.  As we were driving to the bout-I always think of Quiddich for some reason when I hear the word bout...that or some sort of disease-we rolled up to the fair grounds in Phoenix.  First thoughts "awesome, and why didn't I wear my WWE smack down shirt."  We got there right about the start time and there was a HUGE line waiting to get in.  We proceeded to wait in line for 15-20 minutes and I immediatley think "this is definitely the place to be".  The bout was located in the Colosseum which use to be home to the Phoenix Suns so yeah, pretty big arena.  Upon entry into the arena, I flashbacked to my childhood.

Remember skate world?  That is what I first thought of when seeing a bunch of women roller skating in a circle to music.  I flashed back to the wonderful venue that was skate world.  What is better than skating in a circle to such hits as Bell Biv Devoe's Poison or my favorite C+C Music Factory's Everybody Dance Now? Not much I tell you.  And then when that slow song busted out and you had to have a partner, and being a girl would either book it for the snack bar, or in my case, I would skate with Jake Williams because we were friends and we didn't want to look stupid....we would never hold hands though...never.  Then it would get real crazy and they would switch directions on us and we'd have to skate the other direction!  Slow down now!  The hardest transition was switching from roller skates to roller blades. That is a whole different discussion/blog post so I will save it.  Just know that when you have been roller blading and go back to roller skating, the stopper in the front is a BEAST and you will fall!

So there we go into the venue and pick out some sweet seats.  I am pondering on skate world as I watch these skaters and what I thought was a bunch of portly women skating in a circle to some nice jams, lethally and quite suddenly turned into a bunch of portly and angry women locker checking each other to the ground.  AWESOME!  It took a little while to figure out what the crap was going on and if there was any order to what we were watching.  The answer is yes, there is order, rules, and intense competition.  Quite possibly one of the most entertaining sporting events I have ever been to.

Let me paint you a visual with my words.  There were four teams bouting which are namely Runnaway Brides vs. Bombshells and Coffin Draggers vs Schoolyard Scrappers.  I now know why Hot Topic stays in business....and I now know what the workers at Hot Topic do in their spare time besides going to the Warped Tour.  Especially team members on the Coffin Draggers.  I don't think I have seen that much fish net stocking in my life.

The point of roller derby is as follows:  Each team has a 'jammer' that has to skate around everybody else without getting destroyed and if you make it around everybody else 'the blockers' your team gets a point.  Most points win.  I was pumped because there was a PA with music playing and I was sure we were going to get a huge dose of 80's butt rock.  I knew we were at least going to get Guns and Roses-Welcome to the Jungle judging by everyones attire in the grand stands.  Sad to say some sort of band like the Killer's were playing upon entry.  Nothing against the Killers and Mr. Bright Eyes, but during a sport where women get ear holed??  Nah.  Give me Thunderstruck!!!  As the bout went on the music slowly progressed, then digressed, then was mediocre, then sucked, then was good again because we were in my car.  Definite highlights were Flogging Molly and sad to say The Darkness 'I Believe in a Thing called Love' (mostly because I can just see me and Holly singing that ridiculous song at the top of our lungs).

I was rooting for the Coffin Draggers while Zac and Jake preferred the Schoolyard Scrappers.  It was a close bout until the very end when the SS basically took over and punished the CD.  Zac and Jake's favorite was  Mizz Nashty.  Zac had binoculars and could see her face up close and said she meant business and did not take any crap from anyone.  During the last jam, Mizz Nashty was put in the 'penalty box' (which was a folding chair in the middle of the circle) and she took off her helmet and chucked it and then proceeded to leave the box and hunt down one of the opposing team members.  Now these girls do fight.  A few fights I saw consisted of girl fists doing the mash potato on another's helmet (not real effective if I may say so).  There were two however (Mizz Nashty from SS) and I think it was Katie Kills from CD, that punched like men.....UFC men for that matter.  Katie Kills was ALWAYS in the penalty area because she would punch anyone any chance she could.  After sacrificing her body and hurling it at their ankles (sometime canckles), she would reign down fist of fury on their face and neck.  The refs were real good about breaking up fights so she had to punch real fast before they ripped her off.  She got so mad that she body checked the folding chair when she was put in the penalty area.  

I don't understand why at events like this they have DJ's or whatever they are called talking during the whole thing over the blaring music.  There were two dudes and one chick that had the most horrific accent (we couldn't quite place it but I would say it was a combo of someone who can't say their R's with a Long Island/Aussie accent.)  Really annoying.  Another interesting thing I noticed were the numbers of these players.  I am a sports fan and I do enjoy playing sports.  Now I think a normal sports number would be 4 or 33 (soccer and basketball).  These girls had numbers like 856-41 and 251.  I came to the conclusion that they decided to use their prison numbers because they were accustomed to that.

At the end of the night we strolled leisurely back to the car with a "I can't believe we just did that" look on our faces and a think bubble that would say "RAD" above all of our heads.  Zac said he thought I would be a good roller derby player but I think he is crazy.  I don't like getting punched in the face for one thing, and if I did knock someone down I would feel bad and go help them up.  If I were a roller derbyer my name would be Canckles Beware and my signature move would be to open field tackle you and then bite your canckles.  Yes I have thought about it.  So thus begs my question....if you were a roller derbyer what would your name and signature move be??  

I hope you have enjoyed this as much as me.

Gives you an idea of the awesomeness.  And yes they get rocked on hard smooth concrete-none of that composite crap.