The Poop One

Warning-this is going to be a poop story which I figure you should know because of the title. But just in case.....

Today is Sunday bloody Sunday (and the battles just begun).  That one was for Richelle.  Our Sunday afternoons consist of really not much.  A lot of channel surfing and surprisingly enough, golf is on.  I am use to watching golf on Sunday because of my dad but I never figured my husband would get that into it.  It puts me right to sleep even though I do enjoy the game.  It is something about those announcers with their all hushed talk tones and mild manners that just makes me feel as though I am in the womb again.  

There we are today on our separate couches watching the blockbuster thriller Twister on TNT.  I hadn't seen this movie since I last watched it on our VHS that my parents had.  All I remembered was when this movie came out it was a crazy high tech, visual, nerdery mater piece.  I love that the bad guys in the movie are storm chasers with corporate sponsors.  'They were in it for the money, not the science'-quoted by Bill Paxton in Twister.  I was about half way into the movie when Jaitz decided he wanted to go outside.

This was actually a welcomed thing because I was getting antsy and it really was bugging me that the tornadoes were growling.....seriously growling.  So I get Jaitz and his leash and of course my trusted poop bag and proceed down the stairs.  Today was a really nice day-not too hot outside-so I figure I will take the wee pup on a longer jaunt than normal.  We get to our usual poop spot and he does exactly as he should.  I've taught him everything I know.  So he does his business and I proceed to pick up the poo.  In the meantime, Jaitz did a preemptive cut off and the result was he had a dingle berry attached.  When this happens he spins in circles, lays down, spins in more circles and then puts his ears WAY back.  The only way to restore order is to get the dingle berry.  Since I had a bag full of poop I decided the best option was to put the dingle berry in with the rest of the poop.  I grab the inside of the poo bag to get the dingle berry when I accidently step weird and plunge the top of my hand into the poop bag.  Right when it hit I began to get the cold sweats....or as Heather calls them the meat sweats.  I pull my hand out hoping my mind was wrong about the warm substance it just touched, and the result is negative.....meaning I had dog poo all over the top of my hand.   I immediately dry heave and then laugh because dry heaving is SERIOUSLY one of the funniest things to me.

This is when everything happens at once.  Remember Diamondes from the last blog posting??  The Greek?  Well guess who is lounging by the pool in his B is for Banana hammock.  Him.  He is.  He sees me from across the pool and tennis courts and yells "ELLO KREEESTEN!" (roll the R).  I of course have poop on my hand, he is about 50 yards away from me and wants to chat, and I feel like I might puke (it didn't help that I made apple sauce (devil) cookies and ate probably 9-11 no joke).  Luckily I had my cell phone in my hand and I called the first person on my mind which happened to be Michelle.  FEW.  I get out of the long distance chat with Diamondes but now I still have poo on my hand and my phone and Jaitz are in the other plus I still have to back track to the garbage can to throw the poo away.  I begin by telling Michelle what had exactly happened and she is busting up like I thought she would.  I get to the trash can and I get a whiff.  I am already laughing because I think a gag is coming.  Just a little one came.

So I throw the poo away and start rushing back to my place to go and wash.  Meanwhile Michelle is still on the phone and I beg her to get my mind off of it because the meat sweats are still very present.  So I say "you gotta help me get this off my mind or I might puke!"  If someone would say this to you what would you say in response?  I do not fault Michelle for telling me what she was doing at that moment, but that is what she did.  and I quote "I am eating Craisins right now."  Ahhhh Crasins.  The deliciously naturally sweet dried cranberry that can whisk you away to some ocean side bungalow.  Well you see, I have issues with Crasins.

As a sophomore in high school our english teacher made us read Alive.  If you don't know what Alive is or about-in a nut shell it is about a soccer team that crashes in a plane in the Andes mountains and have to eat the dead people in order to survive.  It is a very interesting book but also very graphic.  When I was reading this book I was OBSESSED with eating Craisins at the same time.  So now whenever I eat a Craisin I think about eating human brains.  Sick I know but it is what it is.  I still like Craisins but seriously can't help but think they are bits of human flesh now. Hello Clarice.

So Michelle busts out with "I'm eating Craisins," right at the wrong time.  She didn't know my issue so it is okay.  You know what my mind thought of -eating human brains- and at that same moment my hair fell in my face.  My natural reaction is to take my right hand and wipe the hair from out of my eyes because I don't want to do the emo head tick swish, when I realize "I have poo on that hand!!" Well it got close enough to my face for another whiff and with the compilation of the Craisins I dry heaved and then laughed and laughed.  Michelle was still talking but I had dropped the phone to my side and focused on my toe nail polish.  I made it to the stairs and bid a farewell and praise because I did not vomit.  I ran inside to the bathroom while telling Zac I got poop on my hands and I scrubbed and scrubbed.  He made me wash my hands two more times and then told me that I had to wash them every ten minutes for the rest of the night and bathe in tomato juice...like Jaitz is a skunk now....you know-he might be now that I think about it.

On a side note-yesterday Jaitz pooed 5 times.  He usually is only a two-er.  That is the poop one.  And thank heavens I didn't have a picture for this post eh?